Wednesday 22nd August

Today I am ‘over’ treatment! When I said the same to the therapists they said I was doing well to have got this far and not felt like it. But honestly, it’s ok. Today was lovely walking down, mild, calm and lots of blossoms out. In and out in about 10 mins this morning – super efficient. I also saw the nurse, but just to get some more sorbelene. She didn’t need to check me out. I was really relaxed today and had my eyes closed and didn’t realise they were back in the room afterwards. Usually I hear the click of the ‘gate’ and start taking my arms down, but today I could have stayed there, floating along. Maybe waking at 5.30am this morning made me more relaxed than usual. I’ve been asked a few times what I do or think about during treatment.  I can’t do anything other than lay very still and try to ignore any itches that may develop. I can think and I don’t want to think negative thoughts about what is happening and what the radiation could possibly do to me.  A lovely friend gave me a fantastic verse from the bible which I find myself saying during treatment. It’s from Isaiah 43:2.  I especially find the second part good during treatment and I always smile as I think of it’s significance in relation to what I am going through.  “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” I also found saying the 23rd Psalm and this verse filled the time of the treatment.  The verse ‘Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear nothing’ coincided with the machine buzzing it’s radiation at me.  I felt confident as I claimed this verse, it was empowering.

I’m actually 2/3 of the way there now!  I find others having treatment are always positive and good to chat with, not that we get much time. It’s usually about how far through treatment we are or where we park! It’s almost like we have crossed into a zone that others can’t relate to, they haven’t ‘been there’, even if they are cheering us on from the sidelines.

I realised why I wear scarves all the time. Today I’m in a V-necked T-shirt and while trying on some clothes this morning, I saw my ‘black marker’ peeping out the top of my t-shirt. I keep forgetting they sometimes do one higher on my ‘midline’!! The ladies in this store are lovely. One remembers me and my story and we had a long chat, then discovered the other one volunteers for BreastScreen and we had a chat while hubby found more clothes he thought I should try on.   It’s nice to buy some spring clothes – I can’t hide behind my tracksuit pants and fleeces forever.   Maybe I will be a like a butterfly emerging from it’s cocoon in Spring when this is all over.

Thursday 14th August

21 today!  Well, 21 treatments down, 9 to go. It feels like 5 minutes ago I was at the oncologist last. It was a lovely Spring-ish morning, so I wore jeans, a white t-shirt and a light cardigan. The air was warm and the blossom and flowers smelt divine on my walk to the hospital. Rather a longer one today as the car parks were all taken, but I didn’t mind one bit. In and out quick today.

Saw another oncologist upstairs after treatment today and he didn’t even need to have a look at my breast. Chatted about sleep patterns and the ‘not out of the woods yet’ skin wise, but that’s good, I don’t want to get too pleased with myself. So my treatment was at 9 and at 9.30 I was heading down for a coffee and gingerbread man – my Thursday treat.  On the way back to the car I walked across the road to the gardens.  There is a lovely lake there with ducks floating about.  I stood on the footbridge, enjoying the morning sun and thinking back to two years ago when my husband and I stood on this bridge.  He had been very sick with a flu like virus for nearly a week and we eventually went to the emergency department one Sunday morning when he had sweated so much he soaked his clothes and the bedsheets.  He was in hospital for 3 days while they did all kinds of tests and grew blood cultures.  He was in a horrible ward that was so depressing that we had permission to go outside and have a coffee.  All his tests were inconclusive and he recovered, probably just a serious virus was the verdict.

We had a lovely lunch with Mum today for her birthday – I bought some flowers before hand and left them on the table we’d booked at the cafe. She was delighted when she walked in and it made her feel extra special. She’s such a sweetie and 87 today! What a woman! I noticed she was wearing a yellow daffodil pin too.  Bless her.

Then it was off for a walk with my walking partner – it was wild and windy, but mostly sunny and we kept an eye on the clouds. The wattles were amazing! So many shades of yellow and some huge trees this year. I guess they were big last year, I’m just noticing more this year. The scent from all the flowering shrubs was divine and the river looked amazing – there was so much wattle blossom on the surface, in some places it looked like a yellow carpet. Wished I’d taken my phone for pictures. At one stage we got rained on lightly – and there were only clouds on the horizon, not above us. As we walked past the orchard there were about 40 big kangaroos lazing in the sun, just eyeing us off.

We chatted about her house design she’d received for her country property, and gardens and flowers and hospitals and stuff. We had a lot to catch up on, it had been 10 days since we’d walked together. The clouds were looming and we walked faster and faster and then thought we’d jog the big downhill to avoid the rain, but couldn’t quite escape it, but the sun was out and we were running in the rain and laughing. As we got to our cars she told me to hang on, and produced about 5 stems of purple iris from her garden for me. Just beautiful.

As we drove off there was a beautiful rainbow and after I got home there was thunder! Then rain, lashing wind and hail. It was just lovely to stand at the window and watch.

What a lovely day.

Saturday 25th August 

I’ve had two friends tell me they have had mammograms because of my diagnosis. I’m pleased, as one had a lump 8 years ago and a biopsy but it turned out to be a cyst. She is 44. I’m still chasing up another friend, every time I see her she had been saying ‘yes, I’ll do it in the holidays’ She kept putting it off. I’ll be on her case next time I see her.

I bought another aloe vera plant today, to give the others a chance to recover.  Daughter and I went for her first fitting for her wedding dress. She looks divine and is so excited. Came back here and I thawed out one of my minestrone soups and we had that for lunch and chatted plans and things still to be done. Time is flying. Also looked at more dresses for me on the internet, in case the weather is hot. Oh Anthea Crawford, you are teasing me!!! I’ve also signed up for Lite ‘n Easy. Yeah, yeah, I know. But the discipline will be good and only getting it 5 days a week. I can test my self control on on weekends.  Hopefully in a few weeks I’ll feel like running again and that always helps me tone. Will take it as it comes.  I’ve gained some weight this year with the inactivity and would like to get rid of it before the wedding.  But to be honest, I cannot complain.  I’m healthy, I have my hair and the wedding is going to be awesome.

I’m feeling good today and coped well yesterday with early treatment and a full day at work.  Had an 8km walk with my friend today, we still didn’t run out of things to talk about. The river is very high, the grass so lush and it was lovely to be out. I’ve worked out I’ve walked 28kms this week. It does help me sleep well at night – bonus.

Quiet night tonight and family birthday lunch tomorrow. I must take some flowers for my sister-in-law. Can’t wait to see my great niece and nephew – at 3 and 1 they are adorable.

Monday 27th August  

Walking down to the hospital when I have early appointments reminds me a lot of mornings when I lived in Dublin. People are walking ‘with intent’. They all seem to have a purpose and know where they are going. They have coats, scarves and often a cup of coffee in their hand. In Dublin I would sometimes be out that early and while I was swept along with the busyness of it all, I was very much alone. I didn’t have a job to go to, others to talk to and I went out just to be around people and feel like I had a purpose. In the first place we lived I would look down from our 6th floor apartment at people scurrying around and buses and trucks and then gaze across the bay to the lighthouse at Howth. It was a beautiful scene in all weather, but when the rain trickled down the window (as it frequently did) I would feel very isolated. Now it’s buses heading to the station and ambulances heading to the ED at the hospital next door. A couple of mornings there haven’t been any waiting there which is staggering.

I took hubby with me this morning as I felt really strange when I got out of bed. I staggered a bit and while I didn’t really feel dizzy, I felt ‘strange’. I prayed it wasn’t vertigo again (had that twice and been hospitalized for it too) but survived ok. I had a stemizine when I got home and sat in the sun pulling weeds out. I’ll go for a nap soon. Three guys were sitting in a row waiting for treatment today. They were chatting and chuckling and reminded me of the 3 wise monkeys. It was all very quick again today and my head spun a bit when I lay down. The girls said to go home and take it easy. Last day of work tomorrow and only 2 more full breast zappings to go, then onto the ‘final five’.

The weekend was pretty quiet, yesterday was lunch at my brothers, lots of family chat and time with my great niece and nephew. She and I played ‘hidey’ from the adults, we lay behind the couch for about 5 mins and she didn’t make a sound (she’s 3). Those times are precious.

Loving this sun pouring in today.

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