Tuesday 14th August

I’m half way through!  When one of the girls said today, ‘you are on the downward slide now’, I laughed and said that probably wasn’t the best way to put it, maybe the homeward leg.

On my Facebook page I said:

Half way there. For my athlete friends, I’m at the turn around point and heading for the finish line.

I’ve always liked out and back race courses, mentally it helps to know you are heading to the finish line. The first half marathon I did was out and back and it was good, ticking off those last few kilometers. The second one I did was 3 laps and it drove me spare. First lap I really knew what I was in for, the second was bearable, the third was a nightmare and seemed hillier and there were very few people out there by then. On this ‘event/race’ now, I’m certainly not alone. Plenty of people are around me to support and encourage me, cheering from the sidelines.

I’ve realised yesterday is 5 years since a very very special lady in my life died. She died of breast cancer. Her name was Charlotte. It’s a name I’ve always loved, since reading Charlotte’s Web all those years ago. She was from a Pacific Island. I met her in 1980. She was gracious, gentle and a deeply spiritual woman. She went to our church and her focus was on God and He was number one in her life. She was married and had 4 adult children. She always encouraged us young mums to teach our children the right ways and not get caught up in superficial things in life. I was amazed when she chose to have a mastectomy when she was diagnosed. She didn’t talk about her cancer much, that was her nature. There were better things to talk about in life, more positive things. Her cancer returned after a few years. She encouraged us in our spiritual lives with more urgency, yet she was never pushy, but loving and gentle. Just before we moved overseas, she knew she wasn’t long for this world. I went to visit her. I wanted to cry, but somehow it seemed like dying wasn’t a big deal for her, she knew where she was going and she was confident that life was only just beginning for her.

Wednesday 15th August 

I measured the distance to the hospital today – it’s a 7km drive – nothing to complain about at all. I know of one woman who lives in regional Queensland and she has to get up 4.30am to catch a community bus to Brisbane for her daily treatment.  Tomorrow I’ll take my pedometer and work out how far I walk from where I park.  I didn’t even have to sit down in the waiting room today – ‘you can go straight through Pam’ was the comment when I checked in. I complimented the therapist there today on his ‘crosses’ he did Monday * – they only came off in the shower this morning. Not big ‘x’ marks the spots, but nice open crosses, rather artistic. He offered to do stars or flowers today if I liked! There is a student assisting this week. She’ll go far – she has such great people skills. Anyone who tells me it’s great to see me again has me eating out of the palm of their hand!

I’m ready for a nap and it’s 1pm already. I have a huge to do list, but it can wait.

Yesterday the Council called me back. Yes, I probably qualify for home help, but gee, it takes 4 weeks to activate, so I’ll be through my treatment then.  I ‘should’ go to the gym today, but I don’t think I will bother.

*  The radiotherapists always mark me with black marker pen when doing their measurements.  While I have the tattoos, they are small and just guides for the final measuring and marking.

Thursday 16th August

Well that was an interesting morning.

Thursdays always seem busier as patients see the nurse and Dr after treatment. I walked in, checked in and scanned the faces waiting – and saw a woman I worked with about 15 years ago. I’ve seen her on and off over the years, but not so much recently. Turns out she was diagnosed 5 weeks ago and had surgery already and waiting to see the oncologist. I didn’t like to ask too many questions as she wasn’t too forthcoming and asked about my family instead. I think she was still in that stage we’ve all been in – coming to terms with it, recovering from surgery etc.

Had the two ‘boys’ doing my treatment today. They are lovely and I was chatting with one about the Conquer Cancer ride they have a team entered in. Then it was up to see the doctor. I never quite get why it takes so long but I was editing my story to put into my blog and not looking at my watch every 5 minutes like usual. Then I heard my name (after 45 mins); got up and another woman in front of me got up and headed off after the Dr. I was rather incredulous and went to the receptionist and said I was actually called. They went off to sort it out and apparently the name was similar (not to my ears) and as it was ‘Mrs’ and no first name, probably led to more confusion. They were most apologetic and took me into another room to wait. (Probably worried about a riot and upsetting other patients in the waiting room!)

We didn’t have to wait long then and I did see my original oncologist who was very sorry about the mix up and was really friendly and lovely. She inspected me and was most impressed how well I was going. She was surprised there was no burn and said it’s likely to not get any worse if I’ve got this far and not burnt. That was good news. Slight swelling but it gets that way towards the end of the week anyway.

My time for tomorrow has been moved a whole hour. Never had that happen before, but in a way, I don’t mind as I have to go to work and it would be a really long day if I had treatment at 8.30am.

Tonight is knitting group at my place. We range in age from 30 to me. I am the ‘granny of the group’ but I feel so accepted – after all, I can talk breasts! One of the girls got me some gel nipple pads when my nipple was sore last week. One is bringing her 8 week old baby and we’ll all have a cuddle. One has made muffins. We’ll have a wine and a gassbag (they’ll probably whinge about their husbands – I have no reason to – apart from that snoring…) and I’ll yawn and they’ll go home.

Off for a nap.

Sunday 19th August

It’s 5am. I’ve been awake since 2.30. I don’t even feel like I will go back to sleep. I tossed and turned, got up and had a cuppa, went back to bed and tossed and turned  trying not to wake my husband up.  He usually wakes in discomfort around this time. His back gives him grief and he can’t exercise at all now. How did it all come to this?  Six months ago we were both fit and energetic, riding, running and going to the gym. What a pair of old crocks we are now.

We really have no say in what happens to us in life and instead of being negative and feeling angry or sorry for ourselves, we find we are focussing more on the small blessings.  There are always plenty of them there, if you take the time to look.  That is hard to do in the dead of night when you can’t sleep though.

I’ve dragged the spare doona and sheet downstairs and made up my bed on the couch. I can’t get warm so I’ve put the heating up a bit. Then I get a warm flush and I’m too hot. I know I will be grumpy all day now. I NEED my sleep and I have a bit to get through today. I’ve been tossing and turning and thinking about cancer for the last hour and half. Thinking about life and what is coming up and what is unknown in the future. The darkest hours produce the darkest thoughts.

I’m hungry now too. Is it worth making noise and making toast? The birds are starting to sing and soon the traffic noise will start. The more I think about needing sleep, the more uptight it makes me and now I’m feeling weepy as well. How am I going to maintain my humour through the day? Why don’t our minds come with an off switch?

Maybe if I make noise, he’ll come down and we can swap – I can go back to the bed and he can potter around down here, eat his breakfast and mess around on the computer.

Sigh!

Monday 20th August 

I’ve got a ‘long weekend’! No treatment today as they are servicing the machine this morning. My body is grateful and that means only 4 days in a row this week and an extra day at the end. No problem. I almost feel like I am ‘wagging’ school.

It was a funny kind of weekend just passed. I was feeling very tired and lethargic and when the exhaustion hits, it hits fast. I went to the I gym but didn’t do a lot. Couldn’t walk with my friend as she was up at her block of land and the weather yesterday didn’t induce me to get out. I reclaimed the bed last night.  Claimed I was having it as I needed to and did have a good night sleep, though woke up cool. I still feel tired this morning.

Yesterday I had a late nap on the couch (nothing like football to send me to sleep!) and then we went to friends. I had booked a massage with her and they suggested we stay for dinner – her husband is a great cook. He made a lovely risotto while chatting to my husband and we could smell it cooking- yum!  She and I talked about snoring and running and life. And she gave me the best massage. I was extra grateful as she’d run a 16km race that morning! She got right into the tight quads and calves and my left shoulder and extra work on my neck at the finish. My skin soaked up the oil like a sponge. It’s so dry and scaly right now. I’ve bought some QV bath oil to soak in too. Dinner was lovely and we talked all kinds of stuff and laughed a lot. And suddenly I faded and we needed to go. It was 10pm already!

I’ll be needing a nap today and want to go to the gym, but will just listen to my body.

And the sun is out right now. Bonus.

Tuesday 21st August

I measured the walk to the hospital from where I parked the car today, though I got a closer park. All the way to the front counter was almost 700m, so that’s a decent walk both ways – 70 cals burned too – all counts. It’s such a gorgeous day today, I sent a text and got hubby to put the washing on. He even thought to leave the jumper out of the machine for hand washing.

Treatment was followed by a pedicure. Daughter No 2 sent me a gift voucher last week. Isn’t she gorgeous? So I had an hour of foot and leg rubbing, skin scraping  and nail attention. I now have lovely pink toenails. It’s mild and sunny here, but not quite warm enough for bare toes at work. Maybe I’ll wear slip off shoes so I can show them off anyway and wear leggings.

Now to rest up before heading to work in 3 hours, but stuff to do… At least I slept well again last night, so that should get me through to 8.30pm when I get home tonight.

Oh this sunshine makes me feel good!

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